#i don't kmow if i'll make it through the month

[whitemochacoffee]

To my friends; i'm just really really sorry for everything. I love y'all

[gabnonymous]

where have i been?

man... where do i even start?

i thought i'd make this post for the few people who've been wondering as to what i've been doing this past month. i've also been wanting to post on here for a while now.

nonstop studying

it shouldn't come as a surprise for some to know that i take my studies, somewhat seriously, though if i had the choice to pursue my studies or make videos, i'd probably take the latter just because its so much easier for me to do. i kmow studying is better for me in "the long run", but at this point it's been draining too much of my self-esteem... who thought it'd be a great idea to throw 10th grade math problems towards an art student who hasn't touched math in a year?

but no. i've been studying nonstop to take multiple college entrance exams throughout this year. the cool thing about being an asian is that you're required to go to college, or you'll starve on the streets... at least that's what my family's been telling me everytime they see my failing scores in my diagnostic exams... completely disregarding the fact i got an award for being an honor student a week prior.

after taking my first college entrance exam, paired with the fact i haven't gotten proper sleep in a while... my eye started twitching. i might be making it a much bigger deal than it is, especially now that it's stopped twitching for a while now... it still bugs me. doesn't help knowing i've had consistent headaches every time i wake up since then.

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful to have the resources i have for me to have a "good studying environment"... but man, i really wish i could do things differently, because who would've guessed that online classes don't help me in the slightest, and i can't even go against taking those classes because my family paid a shit ton of money for the course. it just feels like i have to take these classes instead of actually gaining something.

dwindling social life

i haven't opened up about this before, since it's still a relatively touchy subject, but i know that if i continue to keep it to myself for long, things aren't gonna get better either way.

following an inner conflict i had with a now-ex close friend after telling an inappropriate joke, followed by a brief emotional meltdown, i decided to voluntarily leave my friend group with the intention to try and grow as a person, alone.

and although i've apologised to everyone, and it's been a month since it happened, i still don't feel even remotely close to feeling comfortable being around the friend group anymore. ever since the incident, i've willingly isolated myself socially from anyone, trying my best to keep to myself and only ever interacting with people when they approach me, which sounds reasonable, but that also means having to spend long periods of time, with my own thoughts, inside of a classroom with people you feel scared to even look at.

i've been through therapy multiple times in my life, and have heard the same kind of advice time and time again from many people, and i have yet to see any significant progress towards my mental wellbeing for near close to a year now at this point. i know these kinds of situations require time... but there just comes a point where you start to wonder when that "time" will come.

i've tried virtually everything i could think of to try and combat my thoughts, with no improvement. it's come to a point where i've been intenting to see a psychologist just to try and get a concrete reason as to why i've been acting this way for this long... am i extremely anxious? am i depressed? or am i just a shitty person to be with?

sadly, if i do see a psychologist, it won't be till next year. so, i'll have to live with these thoughts through the following months.

life

who would've thought that my voice actors also go to school? that was sarcasm, by the way, i think it was pretty obvious.

i'm currently waiting for some of my voice actors to finish up their lines for an upcoming short. i was planning to have said short to be the first video to be uploaded onto the channel after a while... but by the looks of it, it might be the 2nd as i'm closing in on a gaming video i've recently finished recording for.

it sucks, but some things are simply out of my control. i don't like pressuring people to do what i want, so all i can really do, is wait. i just hope people do the same, even though it's been a while now.

conclusion (tldr, sort of)

i'm really sad and busy. school's been kicking my ass twice and i'm working on 3 videos at the same time.

am i happy? probably, i dunno. being stressed beats doing nothing, so, eh.

stay safe, yall.